I Hate Divorce for the Sake of Happiness
Posted: Friday, October 31, 2008
by Jean Purcell
OpineBooks.com
"I know why God hates divorce," the grandmother said to me
recently. The wife of a prominent member of her community, that strong woman
told me about her family and grandchildren now under the axe of a divorce that happened for one person's "happiness."
It was not a divorce based on abuse, perversion, or control.
It was a divorce based on one party's desire to "have a life of my own." For
that "life of my own," a mother divorced her children's father. Yet, she wanted to "maintain contact" with their children.
Who bears the brunt when minor children are involved and one
or both parents want, or say they want, to remain in their children's lives?
The children bear the brunt, spending their lives in two
homes. Have you ever tried to live in two homes on a regular, weekly basis of
exchange?
Such conditions are very difficult for children. No parent in their right mind would put such strain and pain upon their own child.
In other cases, one parent is given limited access to the children for no reason regarding the children's safety or protection, but as a personal choice and a purely legal matter. I can only assume that the parent in such a case has become so angry, hurt, or uncaring and self-centered that the children's best has fallen out of mind or is clouded in self-justifications. Yet, it is the children's well-being that needs to be revived in the parents' minds. The children's best should be considered first, by parents, divorce lawyers, and courts. I wish every child could have a moral, ethical, and faithful lawyer in such cases, to plead his or her cause, as a child caught in the middle of something they do not deserve to experience so that one or both parents can be "happy."
Is there anything grown up about a parent not putting children's welfare first, where there is no abuse or any risk of safety? We must challenge with such tough questions and pray for the parent or parents to come to their senses. May God help them!
Every day, couples ask divorce courts to help them consider parental "happiness" over the best of their own child or children. Every day divorce judges comply with laws that command minor children to live double lives so that one or
both of their parents can be "happy."
The divorcing parent or parents who wanted the divorce are not penalized in this regard--right away. Those penalties arise far into the future or within a shorter time than imagined, personally. Yet, at every step the children are penalized heavily and deeply, and the law approves and even commands it.
I cannot help protesting. If a divorce is approved, why should not the parents, instead of the children, exchange homes every week or two weeks or whatever the court-agreed arrangement for time with the children? Yet, it does not and will not likely happen. After all, adults can fight for their happiness and children cannot, to the same degree, without choosing between parents. This, most children do not want to do.
The unfair expectations of children's sacrifices, discomfort, and unhappiness by the courts is why I hate divorce for parents' happiness at childrens' expense.
Adults, being of age, are more able to make the sacrifices, yet the minor children are commanded to do that. This should be changed. This inequity toward children shows the errors of human judgment and legal divorce standards.
I long to convince adults to wake up and think of the burdens they are throwing onto their children's shoulders. Do not doubt that children of every age suffer greatly, although usually silently.
Every parent determined to divorce should allow for at least two years of separation before taking a final step of divorce. Every parent facing a divorce he or she never wanted should be able to have at least two years of separation before being forced to take that final step. I hope that every couple could reach such an early compromise of a two year, minimum, separation with no intimacy, no playing of emotional games.
One final question to ask: if you are a parent initiating a divorce for your happiness, not for cause of abuse, what if a divorce means that your spouse remarries, perhaps in the first year or less? And what if the new spouse of your former spouse insists that your former spouse have no contact at all with you? What if the children come and go from your place to his with no interaction between you and your former spouse? Could you honestly say with a clear mind that that would be totally OK with you?
That is very real possibility, if faced honestly, needs to be faced before you ask for a divorce. There was a story about a man who said he hated his country. He was taken into court for trial and found guilty of treasonous words.
The judge announced the punishment: "You can never put foot on the soil of this country again--ever. You are forever, as long as you live, forbidden to come here, even for one hour's visit."
Having no choice by that time, the man called in the story "A Man Without a Country," found he longed for what he thought he had hated. The same can happen when one thinks divorce is what one wants.
This late wake-up is true of more divorces than anyone can know. It is a hidden hurt of regret that many who initiated their divorces cannot talk about, for it is too late. They can no longer have the one they thought they could not be happy with; that person now is pledged to another and on the new spouse's terms regarding contact with the former spouse.
Yes, children suffer, and that is the greatest wrong done in cases where divorce is not for their safety or protection from an abusive parent. In a different way, many divorced people who divorced for their own "happiness" come to a point, months or years later, of silent suffering, alone or in successive marriages. These is the dark and mouldy side of that coin of "happiness" that looked, on the other side, so golden and valuable to the one that initiated divorce.
I agree. I am going through a divorce right now that I never asked for or wanted. My soon to be ex spouse wants a divorce to be happy - to travel the world and spend more time overseas with friends. Unfortunately, my soon to be ex also wants to take my children from me so that I can be the one to pay for all the travelling overseas. Unfortunately also, every lawyer I talk to tells me that the Courts will not assign custody to me even though I am not the one that wants a divorce and that I will be the one left behind with only a small amount (5 weeks per year) visitation. So, I go from parent to occasional visitor / spouse to ATM. This is a crap system.Hello,
You are going through something inexpressibly hard. I hope you and your spouse could agree on a minimum of two years of separation as a compromise before divorce is final.
I have put your on my prayer list and will continue to pray for you, your children, and spouse. I just saw your comment this morning, or would have responded earlier. Please know that when I say I will pray, I do and continue to do so for a long time.
Sincerely,
JaneYour comment led me to revisit that article. I added vital information I had not thought of before. It has helped more than one marriage headed for divorce. It has to do with the matter of the rejected spouse remarrying (sooner or later) and their new spouse insisting on no-contact with the former spouse. Anyone divorcing should think of this possibility before divorce. The rejected-and-remarried spouse continues visitation, but it is arranged through their new marriage partner/spouse, so that the two earlier married people do not have contact. This is a possibility, not ever seeing each other again, that many who choose divorce do not consider and may find, if thinking of it, unpleasant and a wake up. I offer this humbly, and hope you take this in the way intended. God bless you.
Absolutely true, but an article vehemently rejected by those seeking divorce for their own happiness. My wife and I were separated for one week, and she had made up her mind that a divorce and the "new guy" was all that she wanted. I tried for reconciliation so many times in the almost 2 year period before our divorce was granted by the court, even sending her articles on how it would affect the kids. I am still blown away about how she was always telling me what a wonderful husband I was- for 11 years and then she has an affair and she comes up with a list of thngs she was unhappy with ....??? Took me and my kids by surpriseShane, I am very sorry for your loss. I hope that you will be able to grieve with good listeners of faith, if you desire it. You have ahead a future of hope and good, which may seem blurry at this time. Thank you for writing. I hope to know how you are doing in future. ~Jean