The Suffering of Others: Where Do Family and Friends Fit In?
Posted: Monday, October 20, 2008
by Jean Purcell
OpineBooks.com
It is one thing to have one's own sufferings. It is another and often harder thing to watch the suffering of others. Especially in cases of chronic illness and unrelenting pain. Our helplessness in such situations eventually is likely to stretch and test us and our faith in God.
Sometimes we wait years, we pray, we hope. We wait on God, anxious to see His answers which can bring relief.
Job, of the Bible, lost his children, which broke his heart. He lost everything he had worked for, which wiped him out. When he suffered physically under boils and other horrible physical illness, he wanted to creep into a secret place and hide.
Job's friends did not understand any of this. They could not grasp the torment of their friend and countryman enough to look beyond questions about causes, along with answers to give solutions.
When someone is suffering physically, often the human reaction is to ask medical questions, to offer possible medical answers or cures, to evaluate what the suffering one has already tried, and to be disappointed if the "caring" of interest and suggestions does not appear to be appreciated.
All of those responses may come from sincere and caring desires to help. However, such responses to another's suffering can add to the burden of suffering the person already carries with them every waking moment.
Many sufferers of physical pain or chronic illness go to work every day. Others cannot work because they cannot function on many levels due to the increasing debilitation of their disease. Parkinson's Disease is one such illness that keeps people more at home as time goes on.
When we know someone---whether at work, in the family, in the neighborhood, or at church---who is suffering any pain, emotional or physical, I hope we will not jump in and try to solve their problems, offering ideas to them spontaneously, even with the best intentions. It is so likely that they have already exhausted, or nearly exhausted, every possible resource to solve their mysterious problem.
I hope we will not bombard the suffering with suggestions as our key offering within an acquaintance, colleague relationship, friendship, or family relation. I hope that questions are not our key response and interaction with the suffering one.
Here is what I offer, and especially for family members and others who love the suffering one. I hope we will never cease showing them, often in quiet ways, our deep love and availability for them. I hope we will always keep uppermost in our minds the tenderness they need, sometimes the silence on our part, just to listen or "be there." I hope we will always keep their best interests at heart. I hope that we will never underestimate the faith, hope, and sheer determination that they give every day, to keep going.
I hope that we do not ever pity, but keep our deeply felt love and compassion. I hope, also, and this is a big hope---that we always appreciate what a blessing they are to us and others, even through their suffering, for this is true of many sufferers. They bless so many people, for they have tender feelings for the hurts of others, often in quiet, unspoken love. I hope that we thank God for those times, however rare, when we are favored with laughter shared with a suffering one.
I hope that we pray for them without ceasing, fervently and in faith. I hope that we are willing to be there, to listen and to trust their judgment and efforts. I hope we will be aware of how much respect they need. Their weakest points require an elevation of our respect for what they are going through, giving ourselves with respect and compassion.
Job's friends did not know how to be with a suffering person. They stumbled. Yet, do we not stumble, too, if we are not thinking first before opening our mouths, before thinking we know how it feels to suffer so much?
I hope we keep compassion strong, along with respect for the other. I hope we will search our hearts continually to make sure we are being our best in the situation, starting with prayer, love, friendship and awe that a person can carry so much more than most of us can imagine of pain.
For those who pray, trust, and wait on God for those they see suffering, God's Word reminds continually, from start to finish, that God is the God of comfort. May we continue to look to Him. When Isaiah, called of God, spoke the words of God he prophesied of One who would, one day, relieve all suffering for any who would be willing to trust Him to do so. Christ came, sent of God, "...to comfort all who mourn," Isaiah 61:2, and God is true to His Word.
May we never lose sight of the fact that one day the One who will wash every tear from every believer's eyes is faithful. Even before that Great Day when all things are fulfilled in our sight, we see God working again and again, answering our prayers when we most needed to see His healing or comforting hand involved for others who suffer.
Praise God, let us not ever lose sight of Him. May we never forget His faithfulness. May we stand in the gap with tender love, by faith in Jesus Christ and trust in God's divine ways, beyond our understanding. May we bow our hearts before Him in intercession and thanks for the gift of the lives of those who suffer and who bear with it continually.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Jane,
This subject moves me, and spending nine months working at a hospital, where the children's wing was especially painful to bear, and watching my father slowly die of cancer have set this question of watching the suffering of others into my heart. It is the question, for me. If I think about becoming success, love, food, comfort, pleasure and job 10% of the time, I dwell on the meaning of others' suffering the rest of the time. It's like an obsession. The answer I am looking for is how to connect, soul-to-soul, and how can it possibly be that life is to be suffered, then someone dies, and that's it, for eternity?
My answer is always (and spiritual answers must be personal and subjective) that it is not the end, consciousness continues outside of its present somatic restraints.
peace,
- GDear Gregory,
I am sorry for your loss of your father and in such a painful way due to his illness with cancer. Your comments move me. I can only imagine what it might be like to work with children who are ill.
I refused God for a long time and have for over 20 years walked with Him by faith in Christ. Right away I began to learn that we often can have the opportunity to comfort the suffering and their loved ones just by our prayerful presence with them, being available. Also, I have witnessed others comfort with the simplest and gentlest of kindnesses. I sense your longing for those who suffer. We do help others if we can give the tender appreciation for their lives, those who bear the seemingly unbearable, due to whatever illness. They are not, however, their illness, yet many people see them that way, which only hurts. They have capability for humor and all other emotions, as well as tears. They remain full human beings, although different. At least, that is how I see them and why I long to have attitudes of love and respect for them.
I do question, I do have frustration with suffering, and often just wish I could run away from it. We all do, yet not all run. I take the same questions to God again and again and leave them there, often with tears. We do mourn when we see suffering and when we suffer greatly. Yet, we are not in it alone and it is not without some purpose, one day to be understood. That is my belief. I have read of people suffering even in prison isolation, knowing God was with them, and not only surviving but overcoming in many ways, spiritual and mental.
Sorry to write so much in response. I am very moved that you would share as you have. I hope I have not said anything to hurt or offend. To write with even a little sense about suffering is not easy. Blessings to you always, ~JaneThank you for your response Jane. I would offer two clarifications: The first is that I was much relieved when my father's spirit left his body. The last two weeks of his suffering were incredibly painful. I was thankful that he could move on. This might sound confusing to people who haven't been there, but to people who have seen what this terrible disease does, they know what I'm talking about. Only rarely do I cry at the passing of someone I knew, usually in the case of a violent death, or in the case of a child. Otherwise, we live and we die, as nature would have it.
The second clarification is that you owe no apology for completing your thoughts at length. I am only too happy to digest them with the consideration they deserve.
- GHi --G
I understand exactly what you mean. When the time really comes, we know it is for the best that our loved ones go, and we desire them to be free of suffering.
With faith in Christ for eternal life, I have found comfort in knowing those who trusted in God accepted His gift of eternal life, and I will see them one day. That is a promise and a joy. It is difficult for some to understand how one lives life to the full in Christ while in this earthly body, while looking forward with longing to that Great Day of fully seeing Christ and being with Him and with loved ones already gone before.
I'm starting to read some of your articles, which I had not noticed before. Thanks for all your comments! ~~J
Jane, I am happy you are a believer. We are grief-stricken when a loved one is suffering and the inevitable for us all happens. I feel as you do Jane, which you have expressed beautifully. We can have comfort knowing our loved ones have accept Christ as well. After that, we must look at prayer when we do not have words of our own. The Word of God will see us through any circumstance if we only choose to allow it. He is His Word, as you know. He has an amazing love for us. Thank you for sharing and opening up about this. God bless you.Avis, yes, I am happy about that too. We know and trust One who understands as no other can our feelings and hopes for those who suffer, as well as for ourselves in difficult times. A Wonderful Savior! God bless you too!
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